This past weekend we celebrated a Rite of Passage with my second wonderful daughter Amy. We held a special Mentor Dinner on Friday night and a ceremony on Saturday. It was another amazing and momentous milestone in all of our lives.  This process began 18 months ago at a luncheon for Amy and her eleven mentors. (you can read about that here)  Many of you may not have been reading my blog that long ago so let me catch you up on the “what & why’s” of a Rite of Passage.

What is a Christian Rite of Passage?

 It comes from Jewish roots – the Bat Mitzvah – meaning “daughter of the Commandment”.  In the Jewish community, the Bat Mitzvah is a period of instructing the child in her faith and traditions, culminating in a ceremony that recognizes entrance into adulthood.

 1 Corinthians 13:11 says “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man I put away childish things.”  The Jewish Bat Mitzvah is a strong connecting point for the young woman between faith, traditions, family & the community.

There are four main goals of the Christian Rite of Passage for a young woman:

1. To provide instruction on what  it means to be a godly woman.
2. To create a point in time for the child to accept responsibility for her own spiritual growth. The child will enter into spiritual adulthood and we, as parents, move from being teachers to coaches.
3. To establish mentoring relationships with adults – to teach, encourage and guide their child in their walk with Christ.  They are the child’s accountability team.
4. To extend a parental blessing

We were blessed to stay with Jim & Janet Weidmann several years ago in Colorado. They are the authors of the book – Spiritual Milestones: A guide to celebrating your children’s spiritual passages  and at that time they were completing their daughter’s Rite of Passage.  We were so inspired by them and by this concept and we knew that we would implement this as an important tradition in our family.  I am so thankful that we have done just that as it is truly an awesome program with long lasting and life changing results for our children.

Amy has met for a month long session with each of her mentors going over the the following spiritual disciplines and topics -  Prayer, The Word of God, Evangelism & Missions, Purity, Biblical World View, Outreach & Service, Godly Friendships, Christian Leadership, Marriage, Family & Children.  Her mentors ranged in age from 19 (her sister Michelle) to 60+ and were both single and married.  They were women who were hand picked because of their commitment to the Lord, strong faith, different gifts and personalities and desire to be an influence in Amy’s life.

The culmination of her time with her mentors came this weekend as we gathered together just with Amy and these amazing women for a Mentor Dinner on Friday night.  Each of her mentors quizzed her in the subject they met with her on and then their was opportunity for all to share wisdom and insight.  It was truly an incredible night of fellowship, inspiration and challenge for us all.

On Saturday night we hold a very important and special ceremony.  We hold it at the chapel in our church and send out invitations to our family and friends.  It is a “dress up” affair and Amy looked beautiful in her formal dress. 

 The evening program is as follows:

• Welcome - Dan got up and shares the purpose of the Rite of Passage and thanks everyone for sharing in this special time together
• Prayer – The next eldest daughter – Kristen – opens in prayer
• Worship – We had an inspirational time of worship led by our church worship leader – it was heavenly!
• Introduction of Mentors – Amy introduced all her mentors and shared how she knew them & what topic they had discussed
• Mentors Affirmation & Prayer – This is the most touching and meaningful parts of the service as each of her mentors got up & encouraged, exhorted and spoke words of affirmation about dear Amy.  They then prayed a blessing over her. Many tears were shed at this point by both the mentors, Amy, her Dad and me as well as many in the audience.
• Parents Blessing – Dan and I each got up and gave a formal blessing over Amy.  I love this part as I believe that the Lord will truly honor the blessing we each gave her.  Here is my blessing –

Amy, I bless you with………….

• A heart that always seeks after & loves the Lord your God
• Joy and a positive spirit
• Wisdom to make good choices throughout your life
• Physical strength, energy, health & a long life
• Moral courage to always do the right thing
•  Unconditional love
• Great leadership & incredible influence over & favor with  those you lead
• Humility & servant hood
• A close circle of faithful Christian friend
•  A Godly husband who is your friend, beloved & partner in ministry
•  Many Children….Gods gift to us & our future legacy
•    A ministry that will affect the lives of others for all eternity!

• Amy’s Confession of Faith – Amy gave a wonderful message and boldly proclaimed her faith in the Lord and her commitment to serve Him throughout her life. 

• Video Presentation – A video of her life from birth to now – lots of laughter, smiles and tears during this presentation

• Gift & Closing Prayer – We choose to give our child a special gift  of a cross pendant that will always remind them of this milestone in their lives. 

The evening ends with a celebration & dessert reception for everyone.  Here are the pictures from Amy’s Rite of Passage. 

I can not encourage you enough to do a Rite of Passage or something purposeful like this with your children.  If they are still young you have plenty of time to plan and prepare.  If they are already teens or perhaps even about to graduate from high school – you can still pull off something for them signifying their entry into spiritual adulthood and giving them adult mentors who will be there to give instruction, wisdom and accountability.  It is so worth the time, effort and energy you will put into it.

With the next daughter, Kristen just 17 months younger than Amy, we will be starting anotherRite of Passage in just a couple months. (and Rebekah is just right after her…whew!)  And yes at times it seems hard and overwhelming. And no it doesn’t always go smoothly (ALL day last Friday I was at the hospital with my six year old who was getting fluids from IV’s after a week of very high fevers & vomiting – I had the mentors all coming over at 6:30pm for dinner and when I finally arrived home from Kaiser at 4pm – I gave up my perfectionist bent and had the dinner catered and got the house “clean enough”). And yes….it is WORTH it all!

 If you have made it this far in this lengthy post – then you might want to read Amy’s speech from Saturday night (which she wrote  by herself, from her heart and delivered it very well!)

Right of Passage Declaration!

To start off I would like to thank all of you here for coming.

Each one of you here have been individually invited because at some time in my life you have made an impact on me, so I want to thank you for that and for coming and supporting me with this.

 Being mentored by these women of God has meant so much to me. I have really enjoyed getting to know each of them better. They have  supported me a lot these past eighteen months and the only illustration I can think to explain it is this; I have seen it as me dribbling a soccer ball down the field with the goal in front of me, and these ladies are behind me as my defenders. They are pushing me and encouraging me to go forward to my goal, and when I lose control they are right there to kick the ball right back to me and put me right back on track toward my goal again.

 I would like to share with you three things that I have learned:

1. The first was about being hungry for the Word. My whole life I have heard that you need to be hungry for God’s Word. So I would get up every morning and read the bible, but occasionally I would miss a day and then I would go through the entire day feeling guilty for not reading the bible. Then I would have a test and fail it and think, oh man…. if only I had read my Bible, when really I should have studied the night before. I would think the whole day that God was mad at me and punishing me for not reading the Word. But really He’s not mad at me at all. Think about it this way, if you miss a meal during the day you don’t go through the entire day feeling guilty that you didn’t eat! You go through the day yearning to get home and eat something. I learned that I need to start doing that with the Word.
2. The second thing I learned was about defeating the devil with the word. In Matthew chapter four it talks about Jesus being tempted by the devil three times and each time Jesus quotes scripture to him and eventually the devil flees and leaves Him alone. I learned that I need to do that when the devil starts tempting me, which means I need to know the Word to do that.
3. I also learned the importance of forgiving others. God says that we need to be continually forgiving one another. My mentors taught me that when I do something wrong God forgives me but I also need to forgive myself. I’d like to tell you a story about one of my friends who taught me to forgive no matter what! My friend had done something in her past that was wrong but some of her friends and people around her wouldn’t forgive her for it. One night we were talking before she had to leave for college and I told her that I would really miss her when she left, she told me that she would miss me too, but honestly she couldn’t wait to leave and go where were no one knew what she had done. Hearing her say that just broke my heart! The people who would not forgive her were Christians and we are commanded to forgive. Ever since she told me that I have made it my personal goal to try and forgive everyone. This can be hard for me because I like holding grudges and getting revenge!  

One of my teachers told me once that what we do today effects what we do tomorrow and what we do tomorrow effects what we do the next day. What I have done these past eighteen months with my mentors will effect my next eighteen months and my next eighteen months will effect my next years. And no matter where I go I will always remember what these ladies have taught me.

And now I would like to say:

I’m ready now! I’m ready for when the day of evil come so that I can stand against the devils schemes.  I’m armed with the belt of truth buckled around my waist, with the breast plate of righteousness in place, my feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace, I take up the shield of faith with which I can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one, I have the helmet of salvation placed upon my head, and the sword of the spirit which is the Word of God. I declare Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior; I am His servant, ready now and willing to do whatever my Lord asks of me! 

We had a “milestone” birthday in our home this past week as my fourth daughter, Rebekah turned thirteen.

It is official!  We now have four teenage girls in our family…at the same time.

 When Rebekah was born her three older sisters were 18 months(Kristen), 3 years(Amy) and 6 years old (Michelle).

I remember many times during their childhood well meaning friends, acquaintances and even strangers would make comments about how dreadful, hard or horrible I would have it when they were all teenagers.  Most of the time I would just smile (ok, so maybe smile/smirk is more accurate) or politely laugh at their “doom & gloom” comments,  however occasionally I would proclaim with confidence my true sentiments - “Oh I can’t wait….I love teenagers!”

And it is true – I have loved teenagers my entire adult life.  I love their enthusiasm, idealism, passion, boundless energy(as well as their ability to sleep for hours on end), hope, faith, spontanaity, reckless abandon, independence and strength to name a few of the qualities of youth that I find very appealing.  But the never ending onslaught of negative comments did leave me wondering if I was headed for disaster down the road when I actually had teenagers living in my home.

Why is it that we live in a society that seems to have such a disdain for the teen years?  Why do so many parents look at these years as something to fear or dread rather than welcoming them with hope and excitement?  Once a child reaches thirteen they only have five or six years left in our homes…why then would we spend those years arguing, fighting or wishing away our short time together?

Or is it even true that parents do not enjoy their teenagers or is it just another one of those “parroting” issues where everyone feels they have to say disdainful things about teenagers because that is what everyone else is saying. (Even just yesterday, a poplular radio host that I listen to regularly responded with “I’m sorry” when the caller mentioned she had a teenager.  Of course it got a laugh – but I cringed inside as comments like this seem to add to the negative sentiments surrounding being a parent of teenagers.)

Most likely it is a combination of “parroting” as well as parents truly struggling with unappraciative, disrespectful, self centered teenagers who show them very little love. (that type of teenager doesn’t sound like much fun to me either)

Now if I merely had one teenager, I would never venture to give any advice, opinions, insights, ideas or even hints as to how to enjoy the teenage years but since I have four who run the gamut of personalities and dispositions (although at this point I don’t have any male teenagers – you’ll have to wait at least 15+ years for my “take” on that – although perhaps my dear friends Teri Helms, Christy Keyton or Ladonna Colton can “guest blog” on teenage boys) and because we are truly enjoying our teenagers, I will throw out my opinions for anyone who might be interested.

First let me say…that if you want to enjoy the teenage years…it starts way before they turn thirteen.  In fact, it begins with getting a good grip on your thirteen month old when they first start challenging your authority by directly doing what you just said “no” to them doing.  If you lose the battle of the wills with a toddler, you are sure to lose the war with a teenager.  Be strong and always, always, always win!

It also takes developing a solid, loving relationship with your child during those early years by spending tons of time with them (both quantity & quality), eating the vast majority of your dinners together as a family - at the dining room table (candlelight & music is a bonus!), enjoying lots of cuddling time together on the couch in the evenings or under the covers in the morning reading books, watching movies or just sharing life stories, worshipping together as a family, talking, talking and talking with them and being diligent to create meaningful memories on a regular basis.

In addition, I believe that besides ”winning the battle of the wills” and developing a solid loving relationship that you need to indoctrinate them for many years before they come close to teenagedom as to the “rules” and boundaries in your household.  Here are some examples of ours -

1. We (Mom & Dad) can make your life miserable or wonderful – the choice is yours!  We highly recommend you choose wonderful but if you choose miserable we will follow through.

2. You are not the center of the universe or for that matter, the center of this family either.  It is NOT all about you….don’t forget this (of course it helps to realize this when you live in a family of nine)

3. It is “My way….or the highway”  Yes,that is correct if our teenager does not comply with our rules or chooses to live a life of continued disrespect or direct defiance, they will no longer have the option and privilege of living under our roof.  As hard as this would be to carry out, my children know that we would follow through.

4. No whining allowed!  We have more than most people in the world – a roof over our heads (no matter how much you think that roof should be bigger), food on our plates (even if it is beans & rice several times a week), clothes on our backs (in abundance – thanks to hand me downs!) and a loving, committed “in tact” family. What is there to complain about? Nothing!

5. No, you can’t have…

• your own cell phone (we have a common “the girls” phone)
• a myspace or facebook account until college (if you have that much free time – have I got a job for you! However, you can have a blog – feel free to write, write, write!)
• your own car (nope you can’t even buy your own until after high school and no one else gets to buy one for you either) – you may use one of our cars as needed and with permission
• a TV in your room (in fact you can’t even watch TV except on a very rare occasion)
• your own room (and this is not just a logistical rule – it is our paradigm – no one needs their own room – even if we had eight bedrooms – there would be at least two to a room until the last child is here alone.)

6. You also can’t…

• spend the night, go to parties or on out of town trips with families who we do not know intimately.
• call, write or text boys (and yes when I have teenage boys they will not call, write or text girls in jr or sr high either - after that they can ask the young ladies father for permission to call, write or text)
• date or “go out” in junior high or high school (including all definitions of the word – from casual going out for coffee with a member of the opposite sex to “committed” boyfriend/girlfriend relationships)
• get body piercings, tattoos or any extreme hair coloring or styles
• wear any immodest, inappropriate or culturally reactionary clothing (and the Mom gets to decide if something is ok) and a bonus – you get to wear dresses (and my sons will wear dress shirts & ties) to church, weddings, funerals, graduations or other significant events
• go to movies that have not been approved by Mom & Dad (or our own resident movie censor – Michelle) – you can’t always go by ratings – I have seen outstanding movies rated PG13 and lousy crass movies rated PG
• be lazy and not do your school work or not do it to the best of your ability
• be disrespectful or rude to teachers, authority figures or any adults (even if they are wrong or rude – you will respect their position)
• get away with not doing your household chores
• ok and in case it is not obvious the “basics” are “you cant’s” too -  can’t do drugs, drink, smoke, break curfew, lie, cheat, steal etc….

7. You can….(ok, with all those “cant’s”  there does need to be a few perks – listed here are some things that other teens may not have the privilege of doing)

• stay up as late as you want – it is simply your responsibility to get up in the morning
• sleep in late on Saturday mornings as long as you are consistent each week with your chores
• invite friends over most anytime – for dinner to spend the night, hang out, go on outings with us etc…
• go on exciting trips and adventures anywhere in the world as long as you cover the costs and you are going/staying with an “approved” party
• keep your room a mess (up until the point that Mom can’t walk in the room or it starts to smell)
• wear “light” make up when you start high school & get your ears pierced when you turn 16 (gotta have something to look forward to! lol)
• drink coffee
• eat left over pie, cake or cookies for breakfast
• listen to music as loud as you want (most of the time) providing it is Christian or on Mom’s list of “approved” show/movie tunes
• skip school to do fun and exciting things like – going to the beach, apple hill or snow days, getting Dr Laura’s signature, attending the inauguration, going to New York for your 16th birthday
• be as mad as you want at Mom or Dad…go to your room and shout in your pillow that you hate us and turn up your music (see above for restrictions) - just don’t slam a door, hit or throw anything or be disrespectful to our faces (have at it in your room or other space where we are not)

8. Glorify God in everything you say and do…ultimately you will answer to Him

Did I cover them all girls? 

Following these basic philosophies have resulted in six wonderful years of having teenagers in our home.  Michelle, Amy, Kristen & Rebekah, though each unique in their talents, gifts, abilities as well as having diverse personalities – they are all good, godly, respectful, mature, responsible, delightful and lovely young ladies, who happen to be teens!  They are truly a blessing to us and we have and will continue to enjoy the teenage years. (It’s a good thing since I have at least 18 more years of having one or more teenagers at home)

Happy Birthday Rebekah!

As we were heading out the door to celebrate the 4th of July in Red Bluff with my in-laws, the girls and I ran over to Old Navy to pick up a few patriotic shirts. In previous years, Old Navy has always had fun, festive and affordable shirts and so I assumed it would be a quick “run in, run out” errand.

Besides being immediately disappointed in the colors of most of the “patriotic” apparel (baby blue, Caribbean blue, creme and orange based red are NOT our countries colors  - they are navy blue, a dark red and white)…I was very disturbed by the verbiage printed boldly on the front of these shirts.

“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of….Boys.”  SAY WHAT??? There are so many things wrong with this proclamation being plastered on the front of a patriotic tank top being sold to girls and young ladies (at least I am assuming that is their target audience – I can’t imagine married women my age wearing such a slogan?!)

• First why are we degrading our Declaration of Independence, written by some of the most educated, eloquent and brilliant men of all time by replacing the words “pursuit of happiness” to a trivial “pursuit of boys”? There is nothing even slightly amusing about that. It is offensive.
• Secondly even if someone thinks I need to lighten up and that it is just a harmless play on words - tell me WHY we want to suggest  to girls that the “pursuit of boys” is something that is worthwhile, valauble or honorable?  It is certainly not what I want my daughters pursuing during their youth and season of singleness.  I want them to pursue….godliness, righteousness, charity, good works,education, wisdom, noble character, health, fitness, skills, maturity, selflessness and the list goes on! (and pursuing boys is not anywhere on the list – is it on yours for your daughters?)
• In addition what girl do you know who honestly takes joy in pursuing versus being pursued?  Despite the boy crazy culture teenage girls live in with all its crassness, aggressive behavior and role reversals – I know that in their heart of hearts they want to be pursued, to be desired and to be sought out by a gentleman who respects, honors and treats them like a princess.  It is just the way the Lord made women.  Yet, we are standing by letting the current culture continue to shape girls attitudes and actions towards boys resulting in a host of unhappiness and unfulfillment of their God given desires.
• Lastly – Why would anyone want their girls, teens or young ladies wear such a message on their chests?  Doesn’t it seem a bit pathetic? shallow? desperate? degrading?

The next shirt I picked up said - “Hot as a firecracker”  Don’t even get me started on how anyone would allow their minor daughter to wear such a statement.  Shaking my head, we left the store.